Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Big Adventure

So Paddy took me to see Shrek 4 last night. I don't know why he wanted to see a horror movie the night before going in for surgery, but I left the movie scared spermless! There was a very pretty ball that was tragically murdered! And later there was another one that litterally exploded with Ogres! Ouch!

But today I start my big adventure. I was born in the Abdominal Mountains and my brother and I decsended to make a living for ourselves about 30 years ago. Since then we've been working hard to harvest the land and export our wares. If demand is any indication, they're quite popular, actually.

I've had a good life here, but I'm looking forward to exploring the world! I'll keep you updated on my travels! Stay tuned...

-Paddy's Right Testicle

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I deflect thoughts about cancer with a fashion crisis.

So before my appointment the other day I was contemplating the fact that I would have to drop my pants again for a stranger. It led to a internal monologue vacillating about my underwear choice for the day.
I don't want anything to flashy (like superman manties) or on the opposite side too grungy, you know the pairs you save for when you need to do laundry. It was a real struggle. The pair has to be subtle yet refined, like Friday night out on the town underwear. Black; basic black. Its always sophisticated and classic. I may have cancer but I refuse to be judged for poor fashion choices.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

united colors of benetton

Today I had My appointment with the urologist. It was very straight forward. "We want to remove you testicle right away" Tuesday to be precise. I have been scheduled for a radical inguinal orchiectomy. This is a surgery that removes your nuts through your abdomen. As familiar as I thought i was with the male anatomy I did not know that the blood supply for your testicles starts in abdomen. I thought they would just open up the coin purse, but no its a little more invasive than that. They want to be make sure they get everything from the beginning on down. This appointment was also the fourth time a stranger in a two week period to got to third base without the pleasantry of dinner first.
My surgical team is the united colors of benetton. Not that it really matters but I really enjoy the fact that my surgical team could be on a poster for diversity. The resident who had the honor of feeling me up was persian. Dr Carl Smith the Chief of Urology black guy and then Molly his first assistant RN; white hippie. It brought me comfort all of them standing there discussing my surgery. It is also comforting that that they were all very warm and pleasant conversationalists. I have dealt with a few surgeons and they generally have the social skills of a porcupine. Although, Dr Smith did lose points when he made a Lance reference.
Althought I am happy with the speed at which this process is going, I am really upset that this is totally going to ruin my memorial day. I won't be able to play in my softball tournament which I have been looking forward for the last few months. Dr smith actually laughed at me and said that yeah I could play but I would be the one they would get out first cause I would barely be able to crawl to first base. Side Note: Recovery from this surgery will be one to two weeks and I can resume all normal activities, but I can't ride a bike for at least four weeks. Again don't make Lance references. Also due to the speed of getting me in for surgery I won't be able to have my balls out toga party. A Friend came up with games and a menu. Pin the balls on the Patty, cheese balls, Swedish meatballs, grapes, olives. Maybe I can just postpone it until my birthday. Cancer better not ruin my 30th birthday. I am hoping for new summer outfits maybe from Benneton.

Monday, May 17, 2010

It all started with a hot shower...

...that led to series of events in which the family jewels got stroked by strangers and my hatred for Lance. All I will say is Men check your balls when they are warm. Summer has almost fully arrived so you will have ample opportunity or otherwise a hot shower works. You should know what feels right and what doesn't. Moving on. After, what I felt as an abnormality, I went to see the doctor. She, yes she, asked me to drop trou' so she could have a look see and feelsy. Exact words "Yeah you're right there is something off about that one." A week later I was set up for an ultrasound of my scrotum. To date it was the most uncomforatable moment of my life and I have had a few. I tend to embarrass myself. First off lets talk about Bob. Bob is Radiology technician who looked like Jerry Garcia if Jerry Garcia shaved his beard but kept the mustache and added curly cues to the ends. So Bob says "Alrighty pull your pants down and lay on the table I need you to relax and keep your head down" Well Bob I am balls out lying on a table and your putting warming gel on my balls, relax? Not gonna happen, but I will meet you half way at mild discomfort. So after what seemed like hours (ten minutes really) of the ultrasound wand gently massaging my gonads I looked over to the screen where Bob was busy pointing and clicking his way what i am sure could be masterpieces of the inner workings of my coin purse. It actually was sort of fascinating. Bob shouldn't have told me what they were looking for, outside mass on the testical, good, inside mass bad. It was inside. Then Bob says "Okay I am going to go get the Radiologist to make sure he doesn't need any more scans, stay put and I will be right back." Alrighty Bob. I was left to sit in a darkened room with my thoughts about my self diagnosis balls out with the door open and only a curtain to separate me from giving the rest of the radiology wing a floor show. I knew it was bad. Then Prateek, the radiologist, and Bob return; they are an odd couple not unlike Apu and Homer. They do some more scanning of the kids and then a further scan of my abdomen. Then in his Indian accent "Okay patrick with scans like this I am going to tell you that you have a form of testicular cancer and it will need to be removed." I started to well up. "Most likely we have caught this early but we will not know more until you have more blood work and you will need to discuss surgical options with a Eurologist" Tears. "Are you okay" Well Prateek you said cancer so no, no I am not allright. Then Bob taps me on the shoulder and says "Well you know that guy Lance Armstong he had same thing and they caught his late, and we're catching this early." Prateek: "And also this is the most treatable form of cancer." And there it was folks, the silver lining. The most treatable form of cancer. A mild case of cancer. Still doesn't help. You say cancer, I say give minute. I may be a man but I am fucking allowed to cry. Also this is also the first of many Lance Armstrong references to live strong and all that. All I can think about is, Do I have to start wearing Yellow and plastic wristbands? Yellow is not really my color, it makes me look sickly. I don't need to look sickly even if I do have cancer. Why couldn't livestrong colors be blue, you know blue for balls? I only ride my bike in the hipster earth friendly sort of way, and I wouldn't be caught dead in lycra bike shorts unless I was mocking someone. I am not going to win tour de France and I certainly won't be wearing a lot of yellow. I hate Lance Armstong now.

Faulty Nuts

When people talk about other types of cancer, there seems to be an ease with which to give out details. Brain, Breast, Kidney, Bone you name it and everyone can pretty much keep a straight face, even me and I can and I find a reason to laugh at anything. Well I have learned when you are talking about testicular cancer its hard not to giggle a little when you start giving out information about your testicles. Maybe its the ease of humor and innuendo that can come along with balls that make it easier to laugh at it as a cancer. Maybe it's the fact that everyone reverts back to seventh grade when we talk about testicles that we laugh, or because men generally don't talk about their balls. Either way, I will laugh because it will me get through. I will make inappropriate jokes, because they make me laugh. I will laugh because laughter is the best medicine. This blog is for me to put down all the things I'm thinking and feeling and finding really hilarious. This will be a chance for me to get my frustrations out and work through a range of emotions. I will be sarcastic, and I will be honest. I will be vulnerable, but I will also crack jokes. Laugh with me, it will help.