Sunday, June 6, 2010

Cancer CArd

I started a blog talk about my cancer. In recent weeks I have been at a loss for words and been lax about posting mainly because I don’t really have any news. I had my first appointment with an oncologist. It left me feeling a little bit helpless, confused and stabby all at the same time.

The pathology of my right testicle came back seminoma tumor. While this type of cancer is the rarest form of testicular cancer, it is also the most treatable. I have been told that this cancer is very slow growing. Which makes it harder to stage. After my original scans taken post surgery the Drs had concerns about some small lymph nodes that are also concerning because I was blessed with more than normal. Do I get a medal for that? I now have to wait until June 24th to get repeat scans at which point they will see if these spots have grown, which if the cancer spread they will grow by then.

Although my Oncologist seems well qualified, she talked about her gut feeling. I don’t know If I like her saying “My gut feeling is that this has spread and you will need chemo.” I am trying to plan a wedding and my life for the next few months. I can’t plan around a gut feeling. I can’t plan anything when I don’t really know anything. This is the hardest aspect of having cancer. Not knowing and no plan. I like a plan. I am a planner. I want to know if I am going to have hair for my brothers wedding or for that matter mine.

So now I wait. Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with. I was however blessed with finding the love of my life; Jonny. He has the patience for both of us. He makes me laugh when I can’t deflect my pain with witty repartee. He finds joy that the needles they use to take my blood instantly retract. And he distracts me with Nintendo. And he never lets me wallow.

Jonny has been letting me play the cancer card. Which he also found for me. “Having cancer is hard, finding help shouldn’t be.” I use it when I am feeling lazy or really want to get my way. I don’t know how long I am going to get away with using it though. It is really handy so I keep it in my right pocket at all times just in case. It’s hard to argue with cancer.

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